Wednesday, April 22, 2009

im in deep

Every week, its someone else, I admit it, im fickle and i jump, but the common denominator is that I never slept with any of the guys im in love with, except Clint. Not with Ronin, not with Anthony, not with Ummar, not with the other one, not with the first Anthony, ok, i take that back, and Theo. I dont think that was love. So this guy, I am in huge trouble because I am breaking every rule in the book and the thing is that I think he feels the same way about me, and I dont want to hurt him, more then anything, but I like him sooo much. I cant even think about having sex with him, we dont even talk about it, I told him not to let me, and when I do, he stops me. what is it? I have what I want, in my hand, and still I search, what is wrong with me? I have Troy, and still, Im looking for love, im going to end up burning myself badly. This guy, when I analyze and think, I know Im living in a fools paradise, and thats why I have to keep chasing guys, so Ill have a fallback. And the problem is that I am so fucking ambivalent, I almost dumped him, and then I swallowed my pride and apologized, even though I wanted to walk away, and I would have but.... theres something about him. I just want to make love to him, I want to lay beside him in bed, I want to be a part of his life, but his/our secret other life. Its so unlikely and yet, i hope. I tell my self, just take every day, enjoy every minute, cause it wont last forever.

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