Wednesday, April 29, 2009

its late

and I cant sleep, and I feel like im floating in an ocean with no direction. Why, am I chasing Mike? There is absolutely no redeeming quality about him, none, not a one. Im tired of chasing men. So tired. The last two lays i had, I didnt come. Im in no hurry to see either again, and as a matter of fact, I probably will not see either. Clint and Troy. HMmmmmmm. As for Mike, what am i doing, its exhausting putting all the effort in, and for what, nothing, I cant take it anymore, time to cut him loose. Every time we were together I couldnt help but feel like the worlds biggest annoyance, biggest pain in the ass, biggest bother, hmmm, id rather be alone. what to do now, I think Ill back out gracefully, its going to require some strategy.

Monday, April 27, 2009

my bleeding fucking heart

i only write in you when my heart is broken, what the fuck is wrong with me? Damn, am i just impatient or too easily slighted? The last person who stood me up, I never ever actually met him. And tonight, my fucking heart is hurting, dammit. Why did he do that, why did he change the place we were meeting and then text me, when I was waiting for him in the subway and I couldnt get reception? After I sent him fucking texts and we agreed as to where we were meeting? Why? Why do I have such low fucking self esteem that I thought he blew me off? Why did I let him hurt me? And now, me, who has major trust issues, my trust for him is in the fucking negatives. My heart, which is this really beautiful, loving open caring wonderful thing, has closed up and jumped back into my chest, and I feel so closed and tight, I feel scared, who knows, maybe we will never speak again. Who cares, life is all about getting fucked anyway, everytime this happens, I say never again, and now, its like, i know there is someone waiting in the wings, this customer from the store who i ve been crushing on for the last 5 years, 5 years, gave me his digits on Saturday past, after I told him that my hubby and I slept in diifferent beds for the last 5 years. I fucking love that guy, i would love to be in his circle cause he is extraordinary, his name is Andres.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

im in deep

Every week, its someone else, I admit it, im fickle and i jump, but the common denominator is that I never slept with any of the guys im in love with, except Clint. Not with Ronin, not with Anthony, not with Ummar, not with the other one, not with the first Anthony, ok, i take that back, and Theo. I dont think that was love. So this guy, I am in huge trouble because I am breaking every rule in the book and the thing is that I think he feels the same way about me, and I dont want to hurt him, more then anything, but I like him sooo much. I cant even think about having sex with him, we dont even talk about it, I told him not to let me, and when I do, he stops me. what is it? I have what I want, in my hand, and still I search, what is wrong with me? I have Troy, and still, Im looking for love, im going to end up burning myself badly. This guy, when I analyze and think, I know Im living in a fools paradise, and thats why I have to keep chasing guys, so Ill have a fallback. And the problem is that I am so fucking ambivalent, I almost dumped him, and then I swallowed my pride and apologized, even though I wanted to walk away, and I would have but.... theres something about him. I just want to make love to him, I want to lay beside him in bed, I want to be a part of his life, but his/our secret other life. Its so unlikely and yet, i hope. I tell my self, just take every day, enjoy every minute, cause it wont last forever.

an email to me

I'm guessing you're not one for saying much unless much is said. Based on the no-reply from you .

I want to take you into the hotel have a couple of drinks of what ever it is you like to drink.

After that I'll move up close to you slowly start kissing you while feeling your body underneath your clothing. Then as I take your top off and remove your bra with the snap of my fingers behind you. Once your bra is off I would then begin to share with you my talent I've been told I have with breast.

Once I get you wet I'll remove your bottoms message your pussy with my hand and fingers. Slowly working my cock closer and closer to your pussy. Then I'll rub my cock up and down your pussy until you tell my put it in! I work it into you slowly and slowly moving up to a faster and faster pace. In order to get a deep as I can in you I will like your lefts and place them on my shoulder penetrating as deep as I can into you making your scream "Oh God". Once I find that we need to change it up I would really love to get you in a doggy style. So I'll have you stand on the ground and bend over on the bed while I thrust deeply into you.

There is more to the store but this is all I can say today without getting myself too horny for you.

Look forward to hearing back from you.


The Kiss
It may be a cheek touch, or it may be a european kiss, one on each side, or it may be the sweetest kiss of all, mouth to mouth, eyes closed, everything happening at once- you once said that time is relative, having your hand in boiling water for five seconds can seem like an hour, but making love for an hour can seem like 5 seconds. Would time stop, stand still, when out lips met? I want to remember it forever, however sweet the first kiss will be, its the second kiss, that will be the one that you will remember.
The Second Kiss
Ill tell you, dont do anything, just feel me kiss you. And you will lean down and close your eyes, and i will kiss your lips, I will touch your face with my hand, and you will smell my hair and taste my tongue, all minty and fresh, you will feel me as I gently enter you, and I know that you will think that there is nothing like this. There will be none of the roughness, the passion, the tongue down the back of my throat kissing that I love so much, it will be soft and gentle, and when I feel you wanting me, I will pull back and leave you longing.

Friday, April 17, 2009

clint - jesus

Talk about ripping my heart out and fucking throwing it back in my face. Talk about ripping out my heart, having a good, fucking chomp on it, and then just flinging it at me. So despite the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortunes, Im sitting at my desk, doing the most mundane, boring shit, and I get a text. I look at it, its Clint, I cant believe it. I have texted that guy soooo many times, and he never even texts me back, even to say no, Im busy or no I don’t want u anymore. So he texted me to tell me he had a job, another broke ass bitch, and we texted back and forth, and I am seriously wondering why he texts me. He wants to know what im doing tonight, and then he asks if he can call. So I let him call, and we talk, and he tells me he still hasnt paid the rent on his apartment this month and that he got a part time job at a grocery store, and all the time, im thinking, does he want money or does he want sex, because I sure as hell know he doesnt want me. He asks me if im still seeing the other guy, Omar, and im like no, and he asked why, and I couldnt talk, my boss is like 15 feet from my desk and can hear every word, so im like just because. And then hes like are you single then? Im thinking, im married, I will never be single, but again, I cant explain that to him. And then the conversation kind of went quite and he said, you don’t really sound like you want to get together, and I said yes I do, but I cant beg him, plus, Im on my period, I cant really do anything, but I couldnt explain that with my boss sitting there. Plus, I don’t think I can go out with him tonight because apparently, even though we don’t talk, my husband is taking delivery of his BMW tonight and he wont be home after work, again. So I texted Clint and tried to explain to him what was what, but the fact is, I had kissed him goodbye, and kind of accepted the fact that no matter how I felt, I was never going to see him again, that there would be no us, or we, and that I would just have to accept that fact. I mean like, im so in lust with him, but he has no money, no job, no prospects, Im sick of broke ass guys, I have Troy and Ronin, and now him? Fuck, I cant afford it. And when your in a relationship with guys you like better then they like you, that is an exponential recipe for heartbreak, disaster, losing your money, your self esteem, everything. And last but not lest, I have Troy, he gives me everything I want, except I don’t love him, I don’t crush on him, I crush on Clint damnit. I was the strongest person I ever knew and I’ve turned into such a fucking pussy. See what men do to you? Enough with that self indulgent shit, time to move on, Id love to fuck his gorgeous body one more time, id love to suck his cock just one more time, fuck I love that guy

Thursday, April 16, 2009

what the fuck did i do

My problem, and there are many, is that im too sensitive, and I allow myself to get sucked in to these guys and then I get hurt when I feel slighted, damn, hmm, that feeling lasted for all of 2 minutes, now Im mad, and not only am i mad, Im feeling like getting even. Not a good feeling, especially since I really liked the guy, but I m the fucking dom and I wear the fucking pants, rather pointy fucking stilettos, and, guess its time to teach him a lesson. Ill cut his broke bitch ass lose. When I feel like this, and I wish I felt like it more often, when I feel like this, my heart turns to stone. Too bad bitch, all the sorrys in the world aint going to help you. Im tired of being nice and sweet, Im so tired of it, I think its time for the old cunty me, i liked myself much better when I wasnt grovelling for approval. Im going to fix his bitch ass wagon.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

why am I so horny

Why? I was never this horny when I was a teenager, or in my twenties, I cant ever remember being this horny, even when I wasnt getting sex. Now that I am getting it, its like Im all the more horny. When Im getting it, I want it from someone else. Its weird and troublesome. So this week, Ronin's birthday and Im supposed to go out with him, I hate the fact that hes so broke and I hate resenting him and feeling used, and if he had money, I couldnt let him spend it on me anyway.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Ronin that traitor

Ronin needs money, Ronin knows i have this weird, sick, like/love/need, something for him and hes learning how to play me, and I don't like it. He asked me for money, for a loan, and I said that I would give him part of the money, as his birthday present, and in return, he must never call me, speak to me or text me again. Why cant I have someone like him love me and why do I feel the way I do about him. I havent even held his hand and its like I need him. I went from being the most independant hard ass to texting my friends for advice on the most mundane decisions of my life. Not sure what I will do about Ronin, I love him, but I cant have him asking me for money because everyone knows Scarlet loves her money more then anything. Anything else, I would do, but money, money changes everything. Im tempted to take him out for his birthday, give him the money and cut him loose. Except. that i need a guy who doesnt want me. thats it. I need a guy who is oblivious to me. I needa guy that I cant fall in love with. Thats what I like about him. I know hes not just looking for sex, cause we aint had it, cause hes bi, and because I dont think im his type, I m way too old for him, all his gfs were younger then him. I need someone who is non-judgemental and accepts me for me. But I cant have someone who uses me. If Ronin played his cards right, he could so fucking have me, but, who knows?

Monday, April 6, 2009

im horny

I need cock, I need big fat cock, to hurt me inside

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The very fucking best

Went out with ummar, against my intuition, gave the fag head in his car, and he reciprocated by fingering me to the edge of coming, and then stopping. At which point, he said my perfume made him sick and started gagging. I jumped out of the car and havent heard from him since. He was small and selfish, no match for me, good riddance

Friday, April 3, 2009

It gets better

My so called boyfriend, Ummar, who begged my ass to see him tomorrow, texts me today, and says' I cant make it tomorrow, Im having company'. Im thinking ' im going to fuck him, im going to pay for a hotel and this is the first time were meeting and hes cancelling on me? Is he fuckin crazy, I was pissed, frantically texting my boys, all of whom are busy, the only ones who havent got back to me are Jason, Jack and Ronin, what a fuckin mess my life is. Of course, they all said no. There is something seriously wrong with me that I have a telephone full of numbers and I cant get fucked. Thats pathetic. I posted an ad on my fav site, looking for an orgy or a swingers party for tomorrow night, got some interesting responses, not really sure at this point what I will do. Got into a huge fight with Ummar who then said, fine we will hook up on Saturday. Im like, im not a dog that u can jerk around. Any way, all the numbers in my phone have now been moved to do not contact. Im sick of those wastes of time. What the fuck do I have to do to give my pussy away damnit. And fucking Clint, who was all for fucking me last night, is like, I have to work on my art. Later bitch.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Clint is the guy that every girl falls in love with, I met him on a site, looked at his pic, and thought, he is way too fine for me, way too too gorgeous. He talked me into meeting him, and I ended up buying him beer and I got drunk, because, he doesnt have any money and I of course do. He was so so so hot innocent gorgeous beautiful, the kind of guy I would sell my soul for. We went back to his apartment, took a shower together, so so so fucking hot, he fucked me like an angel, the fucking best, fingered me, I came, and when I left his place, I was on cloud nine. Cloud fucking nine. That was a month ago, and I texted him every day, and then every other day, and in that time, I saw him on line once and we chatted, he said he was very broke, trying to make money, as he is an artist, and didnt have time to play. i was disapointed to put not too fine a point on it, because I wanted him more then anything, I wanted to be his lover, and I got nothing from him. On monday i sent him a text to let me know if he had time to play this weekend, no response, i put his name in the do not contact section of my cellphone and kissed his beautiful ass goodbye. So then, I tell Umaar that I will be his gf and that I do not want to see other guys, cause thats the way I feel. And I go online tonight, and who is there, Clint. Oh fuck. I told him about Ummar and then I called him, we had phone sex and relived that entire night where he fucked me and then I asked him if I could come to his place tomorrow to fuck him, even though I promised Ummar I would be faithful. He asked me to phone him in the morning, and asked me if I would, and I said no. I would be that guys slave, and I told him i would, if he fucked me again, I would be more hot for him then I am. Much as I like Ummar, I love Clint. I cried when he didnt repsond to my texts, and it took meeting up with Ronin, another loser, to forget about clint. So, I could have gone there tomorrow but I wont, and I told Clint, I coulda been yours, you know I wanted a bf, somehow, I think there is not regret on his part.

Ummar, Troy, Zack and CT

When it rains, it pours. Great fucking last night with Troy, he took me to this secluded barn in the middle of no where, laid me on the floor, and fucked my ass off. And the good thing about him is that he really wants me to get off, and will do anything to get me off, he actually cares if I get off. Plus, he thinks Im hot and spends a great deal of time telling me how much I turn him on. What more could I want? And the other thing is that I wont fall in love with him, hot as he is, not going to happen. He lets me suck him and it takes like 2 minutes for him to come, damn, easiest head I ever gave.
And new guy, Ummar, finally showed me a pic, hes 29, taller then me, cute, smart (he's doing his CA) , and he saw my pic and he thinks Im hot. I have thrown myself head first into this, and so has he, it is unreal. I never ever thought anyone would ever love me again, and I can tell, his is the kind of guy that would adore me, and I would adore him as well. HE loves the fact that I talk about sex all the time, and he loves the fact that I tell him i will be his everything, all the romantic texts I send him, he says echo his sentiments. And he has a job and money and hes young and hot and he is shortly going to move 5 minutes from my house. WEird as it is, we havent met, when we do, i hope this momentum continues, just have to think good karma is all.
Every cloud has a dark shadow, and I have to report, that Ronin, after his text yesterday, which I did not respond to, is awal. My troubled mind.
And of course, human nature being what it is, im never happy with whats in front of me. There is CT.