Friday, April 17, 2009

clint - jesus

Talk about ripping my heart out and fucking throwing it back in my face. Talk about ripping out my heart, having a good, fucking chomp on it, and then just flinging it at me. So despite the slings and arrows of my outrageous fortunes, Im sitting at my desk, doing the most mundane, boring shit, and I get a text. I look at it, its Clint, I cant believe it. I have texted that guy soooo many times, and he never even texts me back, even to say no, Im busy or no I don’t want u anymore. So he texted me to tell me he had a job, another broke ass bitch, and we texted back and forth, and I am seriously wondering why he texts me. He wants to know what im doing tonight, and then he asks if he can call. So I let him call, and we talk, and he tells me he still hasnt paid the rent on his apartment this month and that he got a part time job at a grocery store, and all the time, im thinking, does he want money or does he want sex, because I sure as hell know he doesnt want me. He asks me if im still seeing the other guy, Omar, and im like no, and he asked why, and I couldnt talk, my boss is like 15 feet from my desk and can hear every word, so im like just because. And then hes like are you single then? Im thinking, im married, I will never be single, but again, I cant explain that to him. And then the conversation kind of went quite and he said, you don’t really sound like you want to get together, and I said yes I do, but I cant beg him, plus, Im on my period, I cant really do anything, but I couldnt explain that with my boss sitting there. Plus, I don’t think I can go out with him tonight because apparently, even though we don’t talk, my husband is taking delivery of his BMW tonight and he wont be home after work, again. So I texted Clint and tried to explain to him what was what, but the fact is, I had kissed him goodbye, and kind of accepted the fact that no matter how I felt, I was never going to see him again, that there would be no us, or we, and that I would just have to accept that fact. I mean like, im so in lust with him, but he has no money, no job, no prospects, Im sick of broke ass guys, I have Troy and Ronin, and now him? Fuck, I cant afford it. And when your in a relationship with guys you like better then they like you, that is an exponential recipe for heartbreak, disaster, losing your money, your self esteem, everything. And last but not lest, I have Troy, he gives me everything I want, except I don’t love him, I don’t crush on him, I crush on Clint damnit. I was the strongest person I ever knew and I’ve turned into such a fucking pussy. See what men do to you? Enough with that self indulgent shit, time to move on, Id love to fuck his gorgeous body one more time, id love to suck his cock just one more time, fuck I love that guy

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